Diary of Addiction

Yesterday I came to grips and admitted an addiction. After eating 15 ounces of Swedish fish in a twenty four hour period and then noticing I was not happier as a result of my binge, I can admit my desire for the sweet, red gummy-like fish can consume me. I believe it qualifies as an addiction.

I always liked any gummy candy, but Swedish fish are my number one favorite. My 91 year old Mom likes them too. In fact, the bag of candy I so decadently consumed was actually purchased for her (something I'm not proud of). In a weak, sugar craving moment which occurred after weighing myself and learning I had just lost another two pounds, (the fear of weight gain was absent) I succumbed to my craving and went fishing for a treat.

When I decided to open the bag and made a promise to myself to buy another for my mother, I told myself I can have just a few and then put the bag away. Well, that is exactly what I did....although I repeatedly reopened the bag and ate my fish in schools of five over the course of the whole day and into the next.

When the last fish was consumed, I began to think about the experience I just completed. First of all imagining a gummy wad in my stomach that will probably take weeks to digest did not feel good. I can honestly say after the first few fish went down the hatch, I did not fully enjoy the treat. In fact, it seemed the more I ate, the less I tasted them and the less control I seemed to have. Before long, the fish were eating me, not me eating them.

This incident had all the markings of addiction. I could not control myself after awhile. The fish were all I could think about. I told myself I had self-control, but yet I gave into this craving. It became very clear that the sweet cherry taste of Swedish fish is not more important to me than being in control of my own actions.

I realize addictions to alcohol, tobacco and drugs carry with them other elements that make them even more self destructive than my love of Swedish fish, but believe the bottom line of whether or not eating, drinking, smoking or using a chemical substance actually improves your quality of life, the answer seems clear to me. External influences can never replace the contentment that comes from within. I temporarily forgot that.

Since I choose to live my best life, I want to remember to make decisions that support that goal. Asking myself how what I am about to do will feel, and whether or not it is in alignment with who I am is a great place to begin. If it is in alignment, I feel joy.

If I had listened to my intuition, I would have walked away from the fish. Next time, I will remember this experience and make another choice that will actually feel good to swallow.

Why Would I Do That?

I'm happy much of the time, because I like how it feels. I do things I love because it's fulfilling. I hang around people that move me in some way, because I enjoy connection. I especially love to laugh, so I do things that are fun and playful. I work with clients that I enjoy. I speak on topics that get me excited.

One thing I don't do is worry. I saw a quote this morning about worry that grabbed my attention in the moment and stuck with me all day ......"Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don't want". Why would I do that?

This is so simple and eloquent in it's simplicity. When we worry, we are fabricating a scary story in our minds. If we are in a state of worry, then that means the story we're telling our self is not a happy one. It is surely not one that exemplifies hope or a positive outcome. In worry situations, we use our fantastic imaginations to create one or more frightening scenarios of what could possibly 'go wrong'. Before long, we are believing in our own story and then worry it may come true. As we build on worry that sprouts like weeds in a spring garden, it can soon overcome us. Any sense of peace, calm, happiness, and especially joy, are dashed.

You may be thinking that if you tell yourself a "happy story" rather than a "worry story", you may not be prepared for the imagined disaster. Since we never know for sure, exactly what will happen next, I subscribe to the belief that the better I am feeling in any given moment, the better I can deal with whatever happens next. Feel free to quote me on that.

One more piece to this simple equation is if you ascribe to the power of attraction then your negative, scary, made up worry story will actually attract that which you don't want.

Even if you don't believe you create your own experience in life, worry will never feel good. Since that is true, why do it?

Celebrate or Berate

Today is my husband's birthday and I am very pleased to see him seizing the day as one to celebrate, not one to ignore.

It's puzzling to me why it seems to be universally acceptable to celebrate and not berate the birthday boy or girl when we're children, but after a certain age, which can vary depending on what we consider being "too old", many of us begin to dread being reminded we have lived another year. We give cards that tease about being 'over the hill', we make derogatory jokes about age and for many of us, just hope it will all pass quickly, so we can go back to living our lives unnoticed until the next year.

Perhaps if we more consciously and sincerely celebrated aging, we would naturally be paying more respect to those that have lived the longest. We would look forward to being older rather than longing for our lost youth.

I encourage you to truly celebrate your birthdays, since the longer we're around the more life we get to live.....and that is always a good thing.

Word of the Day.....Engage

Some days I get focused on a word for some reason and then think about it whenever I have a free moment. I have no idea why certain words resonate so strongly with me....they just do. When it happens, I just sit back and enjoy what comes along.

This morning while doing abdominal crunches, I told my muscles to engage. When I paused to consciously feel how strongly that engagement was occurring, more ways to engage lined up in my mind. They were apparently not popping into my awareness in any particular order, but they did come easily.

I like engaging. For me it is very intentional. You engage for a reason....for a purpose. Engaging in something brings about an outcome.

Another reason I like engaging is it also enmeshes with something or someone else. When you are shifting the gears of your car you are engaging the transmission with the engine. When you are truly present with another person, you are engaged in listening and/or speaking with them. If you are engaged in prayer or meditation, a spiritual connection is being made.

It's no wonder the word played in my mind all day. I love connection.....I mean being fully engaged, committed and enmeshed with purpose and intention.

A Near Life Experience

Most people have probably heard the phrase "Near Death Experience", which is apparently a pretty cool thing to be essentially dead and to feel the presence of God, perfect peace, love and joy....I suppose it would be aptly described as complete bliss. What has been said to occur in these situations, is that the one that has passed away, gets a taste of the hereafter and then after a short visit comes back to their body. Although I can honestly say I look forward to going on that ride, I'm not in a big rush to leave this life.

Early this morning while hiking a back road near my home, I was playing with the thought of a "Near Life Experience". Now, I know we are already alive, but sometimes I wonder if we are reallllly alive. I know my levels of aliveness vary. When I am fully present, I feel the sweetness of each breath. When my mind is busy working on something, or I'm distracted by some stimulus, I'm not feeling all that alive. I imagine there are many people that have a very low level of aliveness most of the time and rarely even get a whiff of bliss.

I can honestly say I feel really good most of the time (mentally, physically and spiritually). I bounce between gratitude and joy and occasionally even taste bliss. I tend to see the humor in life, laugh a lot and tend not get pulled into low energy feelings very often. If someone was observing my life they would probably say I am living fully. Although that sounds great, I actually believe there is more to be lived. I believe that joy could be even more present and deeper. I believe I can love more consistently and experience bliss more often.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining.....I love my life and the learning that comes with it. I have had many "Near Life Experiences" that have shown me my ability to live fully (the no kidding kind of fully) is available to us all.

I'm up for more of that....how about you?

The Backfire of Blame

As I observe and sometimes even personally experience situations that go awry, I often see blaming is a result. It seems to frequently be the human default to blame someone or something on whatever seems to have gone wrong.

In some of those situations, the circumstances may clearly be the fault of another and we feel completely justified in our complaining and blaming of whatever wrong has occurred.

Where blaming backfires, however, is we as the blamer, feel victimized, which never feels good. We may also tend to feel angry, and in the process be essentially robbed of joy. The time frame of this joyless blame related backfire may be over in minutes, or can last a life time.

For years I wondered how I could deal with those difficult situations differently. I wanted to be able to hold on to joy and to not feel victimized. It was my desire to not be affected emotionally by the mistakes of others....even if they directly affected me.

What I have learned to be the answer is rather than looking for someone to blame and to whom I could direct my anger, is to try to understand and to forgive. My understanding and forgiveness does not mean I don't care about the situation and am going to idly allow myself to be taken advantage of. It actually doesn't even have to change my actions. I'm referring to not being hooked emotionally by pointing my finger in complaint (with associated anger) at someone else but rather emembering that we all make mistakes and that the best solution is always to be responsible for ourselves. Another way of looking at this is I don't have to have someone behave the way I expect them to for me to be happy.

It is the seeing beyond the acts and choices of another person to what lies beneath that keeps me in peace. If I can soften my heart in the moment, remembering this person that has made a mistake was doing the best they could in that moment, I can actually think more clearly and stay better in tune to what is the wisest action.

The greatest payoff of not focusing on blaming is that my joy and peace stays intact. Giving away my peace, even if it would be apparently justified, is not worth the price.

A Long Leash

My husband and I recently adopted a two year old dog named Thor from the local shelter. He's a mix of Australian Cattle dog and a retriever of some sort. He has a sweet personality and a delight for life.

Early this morning I got to witness his delight very clearly. We started off for a walk early enough that there was not much traffic on my street. At first I kept him on a short leash teaching him the command of heel. He's obviously trainable and understood and followed my commands. After awhile, I decided to give him some length of his leash to see how he would use his freedom.

No surprise to me, he delighted in having more room to explore. He sniffed every inch we traveled. Sometimes he'd pause to more thoroughly enjoy, or perhaps to identify a particular scent. When our path crossed with that of another walker, he'd politely sit and wait to be petted. His ears would perk up becoming super alert when another dog was in the vicinity. It was almost as if he was wanting to create a new relationship.

As I watched Thor enjoy the freedom of exploring, I thought about the length of my own, self imposed leash. It's my intention to give myself plenty of length to sniff around and see what I may want to learn about and explore more deeply. I tend to live that way most of the time, although there are times when I shorten my leash staying within familiar territory. When on a short leash, I know what to expect, yet I don't grow as much, and it certainly isn't as much fun. A short leash may feel safe and secure, but I always have a longing for more.

So, today's lesson from Thor is to give myself some slack and to sniff around the areas of life that seem to be calling for my attention. After all, what's the worse thing that can happen? When a leash is long, it allows you to move in any direction, including the one from which you just came.