Answers to My Wonders

Since my last post and my list of wonderings, I have done some thinking and believe I have the answers to my questions...at least to most of them. (http://joyfulleadership.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-wondering.html)

What I believe is that whenever we humans are behaving in an irrational way, we are responding to some sort of fear. It doesn't have to be of the knee shaking variety of fear, it can be more subtle. In fact, most of the time, I don't believe most of us even know any fear is present.

For instance, my question about why people wear sunglasses indoors or on cloudy days tells me that the person is afraid of being seen as they truly are. They may be hiding behind dark lenses, or perhaps are just trying to appear to be cool to those around them. In either case, if they knew they were perfect the way they are, they wouldn't need sunglasses when there was no sun.

Some of my listed wonderings involved a lack of respect for others. Again....fear is my answer. When we are afraid to be with ourselves in an unconditionally loving way, we will surely have judgments about others. We may also fear that someone will get ahead of us in line or in traffic, or we may fear being taken advantage of, or perhaps overlooked. When we're fearful in anyway, we react. Often times it is unreasonable and sometimes even borders on silly.

I can go on here about my overall logic about fear, but I would like to address fear's opposite, which is love.

When we are in a state of love, we are naturally joyful, patient, forgiving, understanding, compassionate and fair. We are also in a state of peace when love is where our mind and heart happens to be resting.

If I am loving myself, I have no fear about what other's may think of me. I have no fear of how I look. I have no fear for the future or of anyone taking advantage of me. If I am not judging myself, I am also not judging others. Love is that soft and lovely place in my mind and heart where I know that all is well with me and all.....no matter what.

Of course, like the rest of my fellow humans, I slip into fear from time to time. The good news is that I'm usually aware when it happens. As long as I know I'm in fear, I can always find my way back to love.

How do I know when I slipped into fear? Simple...it doesn't feel good. Love feels much better.

Just Wondering

My mind sometimes gets on a tangent of wonder. Many of the things I wonder about aren't exciting or potentially life changing, but they do amuse me. Here's some things I'm wondering about today.

• I wonder why people wear sunglasses on cloudy days or indoors
• I wonder why parents scream at their children to stop screaming
• I wonder why drivers yell obscenities at other drivers for committing a rude act while driving
• I wonder why people order whipped cream on their Skinny Lattes
• I wonder why people order a diet soda with their Whopper and Fries (super sized)
• I wonder why people complain about being stiff, yet never stretch
• I wonder why people say they are good Christians and are following the teachings of Jesus, yet judge other people
• I wonder why people complain about having wrinkles, but don't wear sunscreen
• I wonder why people smoke, yet complain about being out of breath or coughing all the time
• I wonder why people complain about the high cost of food and still buy empty calorie snacks
• I wonder why people claim to be exercise fanatics but will drive around a parking lot repeatedly waiting for a closer parking space to open up
• I wonder why people cheat on their calorie counting
• I wonder why people share their email addresses, but never check if they have messages
• I wonder why people say yes when they mean no and then complain about doing what they said yes to
• I wonder why people complain about being depressed and continue to focus on things that are depressing
• I wonder why people lament that they have no friends, yet never make a move to be friendly to someone else
• I wonder why people complain about rude or mean things people may say to or about them, yet continually say similar or worse things in their own mind
• I wonder why people complain about other people (loved ones, co-workers etc.) behind their backs, but don't tell them directly what it is they expect, or how they feel
• I wonder why people stay in relationships, jobs or habits that are not at all fulfilling and make no efforts to improve their situation
• I wonder why some people call themselves fearless leaders, but are afraid to tell the truth
• I wonder why people demand respect, yet don't show respect to others or even themselves
• I wonder why people avoid eye contact with another while they long for connection

Yes, I know these may be some of the great mysteries of life, yet I will attempt to answer them, since wondering for me always takes me somewhere else. Stay tuned for the next post. I invite your responses in the interim.

The Hug Connection

I have always been a hugger...friends, clients, seat mates on long flights...doesn't matter. It's easy for me. In fact, sometimes I have to stop and remember that not everyone is comfortable being hugged. I realize personal space issues may preclude some from opening their arms to another, and I respect that, although I believe everyone is longing for connection, rather than separateness.

My hug value was recently stimulated when I saw a You-tube video of a young man holding a sign that read "Free Hugs" while strolling a busy thoroughfare. At first, he was ignored, but eventually the hug fest began and grew quickly. If I was on that street, I would have surely accepted his offer. I loved watching the easy connection these apparent strangers made with the hugger when they let down their guard and allowed themselves to be hugged.

After enjoying and watching it several times, this hug video stimulated an idea for a fundraiser for my Relay for Life team that raises money for the American Cancer Society. There were quite a few tourists in town this holiday week-end, so sidewalk pedestrians were in high number. We set up on the sidewalk on Main Street with a sign that advertised Hugs for a Cure and a bucket to accept donations. It turned out to be an even more inspiring time than I had anticipated, and not just because we collected a nice sum of money for our cause. What I did not expect was how uplifting it would be to hug so many people. I noticed my joy soared with every hug I gave.

Some of the huggees were friends, but most were total strangers. As I offered hugs, many a passerby did not even look my way. Others, glanced in my direction and said "No, thank you". When someone responded to my offer with "Sure, I'd love a hug", my heart sang. What I soon realized was that it was the shift from anonymity to connection that touched my heart. Part of the joy for me was to know that many people are willing to reach out, be touched and to touch another....without knowing each other's life stories, let alone approving of one another. It was a great example of unconditional connection.

The more I greeted pedestrians, the more I enjoyed the experience. Those stepping up to be hugged were from all age groups. Some were fellow cancer survivors like the woman that is now in remission after Stage 4 ovarian cancer. We held on to each other for an extra long time.

One woman shared she was on vacation alone and now she didn't feel alone. She came back for a second hug a bit later.

One woman wept on my shoulder as she told me how much she missed her mother who passed away a few months ago.

Another was an elderly man that dropped twenty dollars in our bucket, holding back tears as he shared his daughter's cancer story.

Several of our huggee donors were wee little ones that would drop a dollar in the bucket and then oh so sweetly wrap their little arms around my neck as I stooped down to their height. One little girl (that I will never forget), joyfully leaped into my arms and hung on. She apparently had no personal space issues.

At one point, a group of a dozen Harley motorcyclists were waiting for the traffic light to change so I called them to stop for a hug. One fellow while on his bike, put out his arms to mimic a hug, so I ran out to the street and filled the space he offered.

Another young man that I pre-judged to not be a likely hug candidate due to his multiple piercings, tattoos and hard edge style of dress accepted my hug offer without hesitation. Sweet.

During both days of my hug shifts, I was exhilarated. It became easier and easier to offer a hug and remember not to take it personally, if I was turned down. Missing out on some hugs did not detract from those that occurred. Those that chose to engage with me, hopefully walked away feeling the same joy of connection that I did.

So if you ever see me on the street, in the airport, conference room, theater lobby, grocery store or anywhere else, feel free to open your arms and offer a hug....I will surely accept.

The Death Threat That Didn't Work

Last week I received a death threat via email. The message informed me that a friend has paid a large sum of money to have me killed. The purpose of the note was to give me a chance to save my life by (you guessed it) paying $5000 for the information about my upcoming murder. This was my first death threat (at least in writing) and has provided a great deal of fun within a circle of my friends as predictions are made about the how and the when. I'm sure the purpose was to scare the bejeebers out of me, but my bejeebers are all intact.

According to my note, I have another seven days to live.

Over the past week I have thought about how I would be if there was a real death threat on my screen of life. What would I do? I suppose, I could never really know, but my sense is that I would not change the way I was living, even if I knew someone or something (like an illness or accident) was going to soon end my living existence in this body.

I would not choose to live in fear, looking over my shoulder at every turn for the assassin, accident or illness that was threatening to take me out. I would live my life in the best way I know. I would want to cultivate joy in all that I do..... to connect with love with all that I see. I would want to be fearless in my quest for life's experiences and to squeeze every drop out of the time I had. I would laugh a lot, eat great food and enjoy my friends and family every moment I had. I'd be grateful for every gift in every day. I would allow myself to feel and express emotions and go from laughter to tears and back to laughter without explanation or apology. I would forgive all those that no longer cared about me. I would hug everyone that would accept it. I'd treat myself to massages, yoga, wonderful books, and lovely wines in pretty stemmed glasses. I'd push my body to be stronger, even when I was tired and weak. I'd constantly create new ideas and then turn them into realities. My mind and spirit would be curious and playful even when my body no longer worked.

The bottom line is, I would not want the threat of death to keep me from living life while I waited for it to end.

Perhaps if we all see death as a fact and not as a threat looming over our shoulder, we'd all be happier living each moment in the time we have. I know I will.

Lesson in the Dust

Earlier today I was on a six mile hike on a dusty, dirt road that serves up some breathtaking views around every turn. I love this trek since I can walk for miles without running into another human being. I see lots of birds and wildlife going about their business, but rarely even see a car go by.

This morning, my peaceful connection with nature was unexpectedly interrupted. As I was taking in the view at the top of a hill, a small red pick up truck raced by me. I was startled by the speed of the vehicle on a road such as this. The driver was apparently unaware that his speed left a tornado of dust behind affecting a lone walker.

As he buzzed down the hill, I thought about all the times that I am also unaware of what disturbance or discomfort I am unintentionally creating for someone else. Either because I am in a hurry, distracted, stressed, scared or just not present, I can also leave someone in the dust. I know the red pick-up driver and I are not alone. Many of us, much of the time, are so tuned into ourselves, we lose our sense of awareness of others. We don't intend to have a negative impact, but it can easily happen.

As I dusted myself off and continued on my way, a few minutes later, I spotted another vehicle coming towards me. This driver pulled off the side of the road apparently waiting for me to pass. At first I wondered why, but then realized, he was not wanting to leave me in the dust. A moment later another vehicle came along and offered the same courtesy.

My experience with the second and third drivers was far different than the first. It felt good to have been seen and thought about in a positive way.

After a brief hello and an offering of gratitude to these drivers, I once again continued on my way reminded that the more I stay present, the better I can be aware of how to avoid kicking up dust for others on my path.

The Dream Evolution

For many years I have had a recurrent dream. The main theme has been constant, although the general feel of it and the outcome has gradually evolved. Last night, this dream evolved, once again.

The setting for this dream is a school. I could never really tell what kind of school, but it definitely was a place of higher education.

When I was a young girl, this dream, which was actually more of a nightmare, was very unsettling. The bell would ring and I wandered the halls, not knowing where to go. I feared I would get in trouble for missing class and that I would fall behind in my lessons. Everyone else was very busy and intent on making it to their own classes and refused to help me, so I felt alone and lost. This theme recurred for many years.

Approximately ten years ago, the feel of the dream changed. The bell would ring and I still did not know where my classroom was, although I was no longer afraid. I felt perfectly calm as I walked around the myriad of hallways, without attachment to ever finding my classroom. At this stage the dream evolved from nightmare status to just a dream.

Last night, this dream evolved once again. The bell rang and although I didn't know right where to go, I found my classroom quickly and easily. I'm not sure how I knew, I just did. It was almost as if I tuned into my personal GPS system and found my way without hesitation.

So, what does this all mean? Although I am not a dream interpretation expert it seems this dream's evolution matches my experience of learning in the school of life.

When I was a young woman, I was very much afraid of missing out, being late and getting into trouble. This perspective was limiting, created self doubt, inner turmoil and was not very fulfilling. As I matured emotionally and spiritually, the next phase of the dream when I was okay with being lost, paralleled an acceptance of being where I was. I was no longer in fear of what others thought or would say and I had no fear of falling behind in my studies. I also did not rely on someone else to take me to my classroom, or to save me.

I celebrate the latest version of my dream since I believe it is a signal that I am finally learning that my direction in life is within me, not outside me. There is nothing to fear, I am never really lost, and I always know wherever I go, whatever choices I make, I will learn. The greatest lesson for me is to trust. When I simply tune into my inner guidance, I will find my way.

My sense is that this dream theme is not complete since the learning in life is never done. Stay tuned for the next stage of this dream's evolution.

The Big Bang

Yesterday, while enjoying my peaceful morning routine, I was startled by a big bang. I suppose I could actually call it an explosion. At any rate, it woke me up, and I realized how I sometimes sleep, even when my eyes are open.

The explosion involved an egg and my microwave. A favorite breakfast of mine is a poached egg, which typically takes 45 seconds to cook and then served on a multi-grain English muffin. Simple, quick and delicious.

Somehow, my peaceful and predictable routine went off course. I don't know if I miss-timed the microwave, or if my egg was smaller than usual, but something did not go as planned. The loud bang of the egg blowing apart and sticking to all sides of the microwave made me wonder what warnings I missed. When I am awake and present, I typically hear a subtle sound that indicates the egg is done and to stop the cooking. I missed it and am not sure where my mind was when I was missing it.

In my typical fashion, I looked at the Big Bang incident as a sign for living my life in a better way. These are the lessons I have made up from the experience:

• I am always better off if I stay present...tuned in and noticing what is going on around me. This lesson, of course, does not apply when meditating. At that time, I go inside and tune out all that surrounds me. (I never cook eggs while meditating).

• Sometimes I need a "shake up". I can fall into routines of what I do and how I think. My kitchen explosion reminded me to mix up my experiences and to do so with intention and a certain level of wakefulness and presence.

• Clean up all messes that occur in your life as soon as possible (these messes include relationships). When left unattended, most messes (like egg) will harden requiring more time, sweat and tears (literally) to get things looking and feeling good again.

I'm grateful for my learning and vow to be more present more of the time. I also intend to have a smoothie for breakfast occasionally....no risk of explosions.