Sunday, July 4, 2010

Lost and Found

I recently had an experience of losing myself. I generally enjoy being in the presence of my own company, and when I noticed I wasn't enjoying me, it was a big tip off that I got lost. Fortunately, this separation was brief and after only a few days, I found myself.

This separation occurred when I got ill. It wasn't a major illness, just a simple, run of the mill upper respiratory infection that zapped my energy and stimulated my "poor me" self. In my process of feeling disconnected from my "true self", I had some surprises.

One surprise was that the people that are present in my life including those on facebook were extremely supportive. Although in my mind, I was suffering, I didn't think my condition deserved sympathy and support, so that made me feel slightly guilty since my ill feelings were pretty minimal in the big scheme of things. Feeling even a little bit guilty is a sure sign that I lost myself. My true self knows that guilt serves no one and no thing.

Another sign that I was off my usual JOY track was feeling dull. I'm not just talking about my physical energy, but my inner energy. I was certainly not sharing any of my gifts with those around me. I also wasn't feeling creative or inspired. I believe that was due to my focus being on feeling sorry for myself. It's difficult to be in a state of peace and joy, or feel inspired and creative when self-pity is hanging around.

I also noticed I looked forward to a drug induced "high". I looked forward to downing my nightly dose of cherry Nyquil with probably a greater intensity than most people typically experience. Since I normally don't require use of even an aspirin or ibuprofen, my body felt chemically dependent on my drug of choice. As with any un-natural element (even those purchased over the counter), the good feeling didn't last. My drug induced peace left me feeling even more off balance and lost in the morning.

All of these signs created dis-ease for me over the week until I reconnected with my true self (which can feel peace even when the body doesn't feel well). This reunion with the real me occurred when I decided I had enough of my mini siege of suffering. I remembered that I am not my body and that my mind and spirit can over-ride the belief that I must suffer.

Later that day, my body responded in-kind. Symptoms dissipated. I can't say my body felt better because my mind said it was time and I realigned with my "True self" or the bug ran it's course. All I know is losing, and then finding the peace within me that never leaves, is surely best for all that may ail me.